Why do we insist that women have to choose between love and ambition? I cannot tell you how many times I’ve perceived that choice as being either/or. I remember when I was working at a non-profit while pregnant with Macy being told by my female colleagues that women can have it all but not all at the same time. Women tell each other that our time will come later. When I was a primary caregiver married to a minister, I received a lot of praise for my decision to work from home. We often want women to fulfill the role of being the emotional and logistical support for every member of the household, even the damn pets, before we can pursue our own dreams and ambitions. But if a woman wants to support her own launching into the world, then losses or sacrifices must be made by the family, and she’s supposed be really grateful when that happens. Ironically, just putting this in writing calls to question my gratitude for my supportive family, which holds its own possible negative repercussions. I can be grateful for my family and push for more.
I don’t totally know how to speak into this, certainly not on behalf of all women, as I’m still waiting for my opportunity to work full-time as a mom. Macy turns 13 in March so it has been a long time waiting. And I don’t regret my years at home working for myself. I have so many sweet memories and my family did really need me emotionally available full-time when Penny was born and we were really in crisis. But I really hate how we seem to continually ask women to choose, even when they don’t have the privilege of choosing to work for income or not. It seems this underlying message - that women can’t have ambition and be loved - seeps in no matter what choices we make. Women at home are treated as if we don’t have ambitions or are “kept women” and women at work are treated as if our children are a lower priority. Ironically, if we are partnered with a man, he is never questioned about whether his family is a priority if he works full-time. In fact, if he’s not holding down a full-time job, he’s considered a selfish man…try that on for size. The sexism hurts everyone. I’ve heard a lot of men say they can’t pursue their dreams because they’re expected to provide for their family. Perhaps need for income both inhibits the provider and the providee in differing ways as they long to reach for more fulfillment. Maybe that’s the biggest issue outside of the fact that women can be loved and have ambition - that families manage their dreams and their finances in a myriad of ways involving layers of support with partners, capable children, extended families, and great community. And maybe our capitalistic society doesn’t pay for things people actually want to do with their lives.
This false dichotomy for women comes up all the time. I annually rant about Mother’s Day cards and their praise of moms being great because they “never do anything for themselves.” News flash - that’s not great. For anyone. It’s not great for moms or dads or kids. Recently, this tripwire got activated for me watching Wonder Woman 1984. (SPOILER ALERT). A major plot point throughout the movie is that Diana has to sacrifice being around her one true love in order to save the world. Granted, this is a very overused narrative throughout superhero lore and not gender specific. I get that. I really do. But in, say, Spiderman’s case, he has to stay away from Mary Jane for her safety, so she’s not abducted and used to control him. For Diana, if she doesn’t say goodbye to Steve Trevor, she literally loses her power. If she remains happily holed up with her one true love, the world literally burns to the ground. What the fuck, man? Does anyone else see the difference here? Mary Jane is vulnerable because she’s a normal human woman needing Spiderman’s protection. Diana becomes a normal vulnerable woman if she allows herself to have her own needs for love and partnership met by a man. She has to be alone to be powerful. She has to choose. And because Diana is Diana, she chooses the world over herself. And guess what, at the end of the movie, she’s alone again.
I don’t bring this up to act as if I’m an expert on DC. I’m not. So if someone wants to respond with all the examples of bad ass superhero couples who don’t have to choose between each other and their power, you’ll definitely have examples to give. I’m watching Wanda Vision too (yes, I know that’s Marvel). But I think pop culture reflects what we believe about ourselves - about our potential, our relationships, our options. I think, in this case, Diana having to lose Steve in order to keep her power represents a lie we’ve perpetuated for a long time. And I think it’s hurting women, which means it’s hurting all of us. *
*Disclaimer - I LOVE Wonder Woman and don’t dislike everything about the film, nor do I think Diana is bad for women. She is a huge inspiration. I just think this specific plot point triggered an ongoing frustration I have about being a mother and a woman who wants to change the world beyond her home and is deeply invested in her family.