Tonight I’m asking myself, how do I raise two little girls in the world of Kavanaugh’s and Blasey-Ford’s? What do we do with the reality waiting for our children, a world they know nothing about? My instinct is to protect them from the battle for as long as possible. You only get one shot at being a kid. And yet tonight, my heart is so heavy for women and I want to raise warriors. The problem is, of course, even warriors need someone to follow them. The more I ascribe to ideas from Glennon Doyle (“we belong to each other”) and Rob Bell (“love wins”) the more I recognize how connected we all are. A traumatic event for one teenaged girl is a trauma we carry collectively. That cannot have been more explicit these last few weeks. And we should carry it together because we’ve created the world both in which it happens and in which no one really cares to change. We’ll listen and give her bravery acknowledgement, but we’ll still care more for the accused than the assaulted. Unless it’s a man of color, or a poor person or both. Then we’ll send them to death row without proof.
I know I’m not in the most rational place tonight. And I do understand a reasonable concern about not having accusations be enough without seeking to validate testimony. I get that. I really do. But tonight, I’m holding the hearts and bodies of women all over the world and I want that precious burden to matter more. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to choose. Women would be given dignity because we are human and innately valuable not because of or in spite of our sexual appeal or vulnerability. We should be given dignity because we are worthy of it. And we wouldn’t have to worry about the reputation of innocent or guilty men. That’s the dream. And there are many good men out there. I live with one. If I had sons, I would want them to be good men and I would want them to not have to worry about a false accusation for the one in a million times it actually happens.
I hate to tell you guys this though - we have not reached the tipping point even remotely where these concerns are equal. Not even one fucking little bit.
Until we’re ready to take ownership individually and culturally for our rampant exploitation of and violence against women (especially women of color and trans women), the Kavanaugh’s of the world are going to have to get in the back of the line.
For reals. It’s not that he or his reputation if he is indeed innocent don’t matter. But they don’t matter as much as centuries or more of the exploitation of women. Not even a little bit.
Making the argument that both people have been victimized by this is a false equivalent. It’s obvious it hasn’t been a walk in the park for anyone, by no small means for the people of this country either. I’ve been walking with a heavy tread for weeks and I’ve never even been sexually assaulted. I have friends who’ve spent days sobbing, particularly the day of the testimonies, because it was so triggering and true to their actual lives. I cried watching Blasey-Ford because I was so moved by her courage. I felt her truth woman-to-woman via YouTube, dude. She is the real deal. And because of that, my heart is breaking. I want her truth to be enough. I don’t want her trauma to be used as some political ploy on either side. I certainly don’t want her to be the butt of any jokes, thanks Mr. DJT. Ugh. Disgusting.
What good is courage that falls on deaf ears? What does it mean to ALL WOMEN when you ignore our pain? What do we tell our daughters about speaking their truth if even when they do, no one will care?
These are the questions my heart is holding tonight. Most days I live in faith that things will get better. I look around me at the courage of all the women in my life and in the world and I am deeply inspired. I am inspired by Blasey-Ford.
I just want a better world for her tonight.
I want the loss of whatever future lay before her prior to that night to matter for something. I want the senseless opportunism and aggression and total disregard for humanity to stop. I want a man’s insecurity and need for power to be checked. Hell, I want to see it checked by other men so the victimizers can’t just dismiss us any more. We need allies. Not just on Facebook. We need allies in the Supreme Court. As much as I adore RBG, she ain’t gonna live forever. We don’t need someone to speak for us. The incredible Blasey-Ford’s are doing that beautifully. We need her testimony to matter. We need the slut shaming to stop. We need the stalking and the death threats to stop. We need the questioning of her character, her motives, her choices to stop.