No. I'm asking the question. I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA why babies die. I feel like in the last several years, Tim and I have been in relationship with so many people whose babies have died. Not necessarily best friends, but people we know. We had a neighbor who lost TWO babies to two different diseases. I'm so angry. It's just not supposed to happen.
And I feel like that's all we should say. I am not going to be that person that tries to tie an atom bomb with a glittery bow. It's just a shit show. I'm sorry. Maybe that's not comforting? I have no idea. I've never lost a baby. I know some people really cling to religious ideas and that brings them comfort. That's awesome. And I would never suggest taking that from them or dashing their hopes. But I personally don't think there's anything that's worth losing a baby. There's no cause where that cost is appropriate, no purpose that makes babies dying okay.
I find myself praying when a baby's life is hanging in the balance. And that's weird for me because I don't pray often anymore. But there's nothing quite like knowing a baby is struggling to live somewhere and there's nothing anyone can do about it (except sometimes medical professionals, but even they are restricted in their control). It's awful. I hate it. And I want all the babies to stop dying.
I think they need to stay here in the arms of their often post-labor mothers who need to smell their skin and hold their soft bodies and nurse them and just be with them. They don't need to be in the ground. Stop asking us to put them in the ground. Stop asking women to go home from a hospital bloody and dehydrated, leaking milk from painfully sore breasts with NO FUCKING BABY. It's hard to do that when your baby is healthy and with you. But to go through that without the reward of 9-10 months of pregnancy? Without the dreams fulfilled and the life-long hopes and plans? No. Just no.
I know I'm not God and I don't have a say. And I'm not sure God has a say. I have a hard time talking to him in these instances if he does have a say. Because what the hell? There are not enough wrong things in the world for someone to deserve this. And if they didn't do anything wrong, again, what the hell? You just arbitrarily take babies from unsuspecting post-partum women? Why?
What. The. Fuck.
And what about all of us who didn't lose babies? Who've never been in that bathroom looking down at the toilet in horror and shock? Who've never given birth and gone home empty-handed? What about us? Why do we get to hold our children FOR A LIFETIME and they don't? I don't want to be blessed above others and I don't want to be cursed below others. I just want it to be right.
And babies dying is never right.