Sifting

Huh, so it turns out, some people really hate cursing. Like, to the point that they will read something I've written, find it compelling and then not share it publicly because I used two curse words. I'm trying to walk my brain back to when I would feel so offended by two words that it would negate the other few hundred. It's such a tricky thing for me to understand. I'm more the type to write a disclaimer and then post whatever I find compelling. And yet, there are different words that I find offensive. If an article used racial slurs or anything derogatory towards women or people who identify as LGBTQ, I can't imagine a disclaimer would suffice.
I guess I'm wondering, how important is this sacred cow, this issue of two curse words? If they were used in throw away instances, I could see why it would feel unnecessary and just crass. But the most offensive word I used in this specific post, one of the juggernauts (the "f-word") was used in reference to deporting Muslims for their religion. The act of considering electing someone who finds this to be a good solution for to our immigration issues, refugee fears and terrorism threats is so appalling to me that sometimes big words come out. Isn't it better to drop f-bombs than to round up Muslims? I think so. No, I know so. I recognize that one of my hopeful audiences has a barrier to listening past cursing and yet I'm hoping to respectfully push back that barrier to get to the bigger issues at hand. I know that I can make good points without cursing. Yet, cursing is part of how I highlight the importance of something. Ugh.
It's a delicate thing to write publicly, trying to bridge the gap between where I started and where I am now while still staying true to myself. I don't like offending people. That is ingrained in me and is a part of why I was so suited to ministry (winky face). But there's this other part of me, this voice that grows louder and frankly, more offensive. It is this voice of advocacy, this woman within who says "I don't like hurting people, so much so that I will hurt people to protect the people who are hurting more." That's an uncomfortable place for me to be. To risk offending Christians with my passion for advocating for people who might be being hurt by Christians. Hmm...I think I found my answer. If my cursing offends you, I apologize for the offense. And yet, I do not regret the place my offensive words come from and I hope to God (literally, I do not throw that around) that you can look past them if they make you cringe in order to hear the purpose they fulfill. I think there is room for us to be uncomfortable. Join me there.

I'm a big fan of therapy. I just had my last therapy session a few nights ago. I started weekly therapy 20 months ago when I had a 2 month old, a new kindergartener and very depressed husband. It was a dark time in our family. I cannot overstate how helpful therapy is. I recommend it all the time to people I love.
My therapist, Natalie, did such a great service to me in that she taught me how to validate myself rather than create dependence on her validation of me. As I process the ending of my time in therapy (for now), I made a list of all the things I've learned in these 20 months. Some of it coincides with my time in therapy as it relates to the circumstances I've come through during that time, but most of it is a direct result of my time with Natalie. I am so proud of my work and so thankful for her facilitation of it.
1. I feel confident in myself again.
2. I identified my care-taking tendency.
3. I've learned to not live by my care-taking impulse but to recognize when I want to take on someone else's "stuff."
4. I've learned how to set boundaries in my relationships.
5. I've learned to prioritize myself.
6. I've learned to identify my feelings and validate them without judgment.
7. I've learned to identify my needs and validate them as well.
8. I've learned to give myself grace.
9. I've learned to identify my black & white thought patterns.
10. I've learned how to get out of the box I put myself in and how to get out of the ones others put me in too.
11. I've learned the value of self-care and the teeth-gritting challenge and discipline it requires for me to give it to myself (see #2).
12. I've learned it's okay to try new things even if I don't know if I'm good at them or if I will even enjoy them. (Process versus product).
13. I've learned that I possess the gift of vulnerability. It is a gift I can give to whomever I choose and that I don't owe it to anyone, even if I've given them that gift in the past.
14. I've learned to have compassion without taking ownership of what is triggering my compassion.
15. I've learned that it's okay to be human, that it was actually God's intent to make us that way. I don't need to overcome my humanity in order to be as God intended but to embrace it.
16. I've learned that it's ordinary to not know stuff. The more honest you are about not knowing, the more you learn and find connecting points with others.
17. I've learned to climb off the ministry pedestal that I put myself on and that others insist I stay on. When I disappoint someone by doing this, it says more about them than it says about me.
18. I have learned how to decline taking tests others set up for me to prove my value.
19. I've learned that my personal growth can happen alongside my childrens. It's not them versus me. Moms learn stuff too.
20. I've learned to hold grief. I've learned to sit in pain.
21. I've learned to acknowlege my resentment while faithfully and strategically working to dismantle it.
22. I've learned to just keep waiting on and hoping for the things I can't control or change.
23. I've learned to walk away from safe places when they no longer feel safe.
24. I've learned the joy of surprise when new, unexpected safe places reveal themselves at just the right time.
25. I've been through a process of sifting through and fervently developing my personal values (see the whole series!), to stand by them, to defend them and to give myself grace when I can't master them.
26. I've learned that disagreement is not personal but judgment is.
27. I've learned to hold two realities when they exist rather than holding one and ignoring the other to do so (i.e. villanizing someone who hurt me in order to validate my pain).
28. I've learned to lower my standards for myself. My inner perfectionist finally got identified! (It's never too late, deniers!)
29. I've decided to take offense when others seek to tame me.
30. I've learned to hold perceived slights and triggering interactions for as long as I need to til I can respond rather than react. This often takes a long longer but leads to better conversation and fewer regrets.
31. I'm learning to extend grace to where I've been rather than just to where I'm heading.
32. I've learned the immeasurable value of friendship. I am very rich indeed.
33. I've found that learning comes when I practice asking questions rather than telling answers.
34. I've learned to stay for just awhile longer when I really want to run.
35. I've learned to let people tell me who they are rather than insist or assume I already know.
36. I've learned how to visit dark places without setting up house.
37. I've learned how to receive the love and care of my community, not as a sign of weakness, but as evidence of our mutual care and respect. Ex-ministers always want to be the helpers! It's not real love or community if you don't learn to receive without shame or reciprocation.
38. I've learned how to identify what drains my energy and to either avoid it (no is a great word) or account for that with added self-care as needed.
39. I've learned that I am an advocate and will engage in necessary conflict in order to create safety for victimized individuals.
40. I've learned that giving dignity is God's go-to response to shame.
41. I've learned that shit happens, that bad things aren't always a result of poor choices and that we are not in control.
42. I've learned that at the end of trauma, you're truly blessed if you find that your love has not been quenched by it. Even more so, if it's grown deeper because of it. This is truly a gift.

Of course, saying "I've learned" might give the impression that I have all these lessons mastered and in hand. Not so much. But I have grown tremendously and I am so, so grateful for the work I've done and for the support I've received. I can't believe the life-long impact 66 hours of therapy has had on me. These are gifts that I will re-open time and time again. Hug your therapist!!!!!