Sifting

I want to hide in my bed for the evening. I took a bath and I just want to be done with today. The problem is, it's only 5pm and my husband feels sick so hibernating with two kids fending for themselves feels like a dick move. But this lethargy is bone-deep. Why do we do this to ourselves?

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm referring to the largest mass shooting this country has ever seen. And many people are talking about guns. And we should be talking about guns. Guns are a critical issue in this country. It's embarrassing how much we're in denial about that as people bleed in the streets for no real reason. Others are talking about how we frame our narratives, how this shooter has been given a pass on terms like "terrorist" because he's white. I could go on and on about that and I should. It's important.

But tonight I want to wonder, what is it in us that compels us to do such catastrophic damage to HUNDREDS of total strangers? And is there a piece of me in that hatred? I see myself in those cowering in fear and confusion and I see humanity in the one pulling the trigger with ruthless impunity. I can't imagine doing that and yet, there is a human compulsion to destroy life that resides in all of us whose heart beats. And that is why I don't want to get out of bed. Because even the eternal optimist, the girl who really thought she could save the world at 21, has to face the reality that sometimes humanity is a huge pile of shit.

We are a violent nation and we have more guns than people. I know. I'm shaking my head too. And we have so much work to do legally to make things right, to prevent these things from happening. We need to deal with guns. We need to deal with mental health. But what can you and I do right now? Without politics and or funding? We need to create community. People do less shitty stuff in community. When we feel loved, when we feel heard, when we experience safety in relationship, that desire to harm others takes a backseat. Right? I think so. I hope so. That's all I've got tonight. And it'll have to be enough because it's still another hour til bedtime. Peace to your house, friends.

October 9, 2025

Queer Awakening

I went to a Christian high school based in the Calvary Chapel movement. In some ways, being a leader in that evangelical environment for four years was more formative for me than my decades in the Church of Christ. I remember, during confession time with just the teen girls and our teachers, one of my friends confessed to being worried she was attracted to girls. My thought was, huh, I had no idea and I cannot relate to that in any way.

June 17, 2024

Hospice is Sad, Y'all

Maybe this is the most obvious thing I’ve ever written, but hospice is sad, y’all. I’ve started working in hospice as a chaplain. It is so cool to learn a new context for my skills and to build a more well-rounded skillset with every job I take. I thought I was pretty well prepared to spend so much time with death. Having done my internship and residency in a level one trauma center during Covid, getting a divorce after a 17 year marriage, and then doing a fellowship in palliative care at the VA (often a precursor to hospice), I kind of thought I was pretty comfortable around death. Turns out, I am. I have come to see death as a friend. I have totally upended my life in light of my experiences around death these last four years in chaplaincy. So much of the life that I am building now is in light of the fact that all of us are temporary.

February 16, 2024

Being Present with Myself

I’ve been working on and through so many things in the last few years. Doing 6 units of Clinical Pastoral Education back to back (a year of residency followed by a year of fellowship) led me down many personal paths of trauma processing, grief work, growth, and integration. Going through my ordination process and a divorce at the same time led to additional depths of pain and healing…