The Unraveling

You guys, if I said before that I was up to my ears in school, I was not. I am now, officially, up to my freaking ears! My third simultaneous class began this week. And the work is LEGIT. That being said, I’m reading 8 million things at once, taking notes, watching online lectures, writing responses and I realized just now, I am unraveling. Not in the bad way, like I’m dying or going insane. I’m unraveling in the way I engage with work and mystery. I am reminded of the many nights I have sat behind my daughters and worked with untangling their long, thick, matted hair. A lot of my mommy friends have no reference for the level of untangling I engage in often. One of my girl friends was here a few months ago and was totally baffled! It’s my normal. And it was my mom’s normal with me. Partly because we let things slide sometimes until they get bad and we’re not particularly vain or worried about having pretty hair. But more than that, it’s just what happens when you’re active and have a lot of hair. You just sit down and do the work, even if it takes hours.

In the same way that I have to bolster myself before I start the untangling process, I am looking at this school work with the same vision. Not just in tackling the actual work, which is daunting (how am I going to do it all in the time frame I have?) The vision that the work is worth the effort expended, that one day it will eventually be smooth enough to put the hair to use (braids, typically), and that there is learning in the process of the untangling. As you all know, I have been sifting my theology for 7 years. And looking at theology from the worldview I have post-sifting (though, will I ever truly be post-sifting?), now armed with books and professors and a cohort, I am ready to re-engage. Each reading on trinitarian theology or conversation about the historical Jesus or project with a church focus group is a knot I’m working through. It is something to come prepared for with eyes towards a future where I will have benefitted from this process. Some use will become clear for this learning and this experience in the end. But for now, I’m gonna keep brushing, keep reading and keep soldiering on.

Not All Wandering is Fun

I haven't written in awhile. There are a few reasons, I think. Writing is a way for me to process my feelings, honor them and give them a mic. It's part of my self-care. I've been kind of down lately and I think sometimes when you need it most, self-care becomes a chore. It takes a certain amount of energy to even do the things that give you energy, you know? I think this is what life feels like for depressed people all the time. And I have to tell you, just in case you didn't know, it fucking sucks.

But eventually, I always find myself writing, thank God. I think putting myself out there in writing or in my business or even socially requires a base level of self-esteem and I don't often dip below that mark. I've been lucky that way. I'm very social and confident and I enjoy lots of personality types. However, lately, I've danced above and below it that base level of self-esteem. And it's funny to put yourself out there when you're not in a great place because I feel like our culture is all about the shiny and pretty and struggle just isn't those things. Yet, here I am.

I'm trying to figure out what my life should be about as my kids are no longer needing me as their foundation. Penny starts kindergarten in the fall and it's going to be awesome for everyone. We're ready and she's going to shine and I'm happy for her. On my side of things though, I've always told myself that when my youngest starts full-time school, it would be a season for me to focus more on myself, my personal development, my time to contribute to the world in a bigger way. I think being a full-time parent and part-time business operator has been a contribution to my children, my small family and to the greater community in so many ways. But now I'm ready to move out from behind that and venture out into the world a little more as an individual. It's funny because I've always prided myself on not over-identifying as a mother, which is such an easy trap. When you are everything to someone, you can get lost and start to think that's all you are. I really didn't want to do that to myself or my kids. And at the same time, I've been home with a little person for TEN YEARS. For only having two kiddos, that's a really long time (they're five years apart). And I'm starting to realize that the "what's next?" question is proving a little more frightening than I have expected it to be all these years.

So there's a possible whole-family transition on the horizon (especially if I decide to work full-time in a job) and the task of processing the end of a very long and sentimental phase of life in raising children. There's also the daunting reality that I have so many things I'm interested in doing. I made a list of all the environments I like, types of systems I could work within (schools, hospitals, universities, non-profits), jobs that would be cool and they all have things that intrigue me. Some of those things would require more schooling. All of them would require some intimidating re-working of my stone-cold resume. Also, I've had the immense privilege of having total control of my time for ten years (well, as much control as you can have with a little person attached to your leg). The compromises required to work with or for someone else is a piece of liberty I find challenging to potentially relinquish. But I find myself wanting a bit more structure and collaboration in my work life and being fully self-employed (I'll always do Shaklee so that will always be in play, thankfully) means that I am totally self-propelled and that's gotten a little isolating this year. 

And then there's my perfectionism...I don't want to make any compromises (being there to drop off and pick up my kids, being around in the summer, not working when my kids are off, etc) with my time. I want to know in advance it's going to be awesome, fulfilling and worth the sacrifice of my time and freedom. I want to make a real contribution to society so participating in certain systems that tend to cripple that makes me hesitant. I want to make good money, hopefully making the loss of some control worth it to me and to my family. I want to be challenged but able to do my work and I want my work to make a real difference. I want to prevent more pain to the people in the world. There's something gorgeous about treating current pain but I want to prevent new pain from occurring. When I was younger, I wanted to save the world for Jesus. Now I just want to save the world from ourselves. But there's a certain level of realism in me that wonders if that can ever really be. And if that can't ever really be, why go through all the scary shit to try? Hence, I've been in a bit of a dark cave lately.

It's too late for me to go to school in the fall. I can't make a ton of new money or I'll lose the awesome scholarship we were granted for Penny to do Montessori kindergarten next year (so stinking cool). But I don't want a lost year either. I want to keep writing. I want to figure out what's next. And I don't want to just do something or just take something to make this processing stop. I've got about 30 more years to work and I want to make them count. I want to be smart and strategic. But I also want to be realistic. And to be honest, I've always felt like I'm on the outside looking in at the world of people who just know how to navigate the world and all it's mysterious (to me) systems. I probably need some sort of career coach. Ugh. 

It Is So Damn Hard to Put Yourself Out There

I spend a lot of time and energy putting myself out there. It's literally critical to both my job (Shaklee) and my hobby (writing). It even comes up in parenting. Just recently, I had to make the socially awkward decision to not rescue my kid from the consequences of her own irresponsibility. There was another adult being affected by it who wanted me to step in and I had to put myself out there and say "No. I'm not going to do that and whatever repercussions come out of her not being prepared, feel free to allow them to happen." That's hard to do when the culture of parenting says you're a bad mom if you don't rearrange your day to accommodate your child.

In Shaklee, I initiate contact with people for a living. I think of people who may benefit from my products or my business opportunity and find natural moments to ask them if they'd be interested in hearing about it. Sometimes people say yes and sometimes people say no. But every reach out is putting myself out there. That's why when shit hit the fan with us when Penny was born, I didn't work for awhile. It takes a certain emotional energy and true confidence to offer things to people rather than to just live your life in response to what is offered to you. To create connection and opportunity deliberately takes chutzpuh. 

Recently, this "putting myself out there" came up when my dear friend, Karvy, came to town and offered to help me with my website. She and her husband have back-logged all my blog posts from my original blog (it's all here now! 3 years of posts!), finally connect to my domain (my site is my name now!) and do a photo shoot for the site. The shoot was on Saturday. As is often the case, it was difficult to detach from the family's needs to go out in my cute makeup and my giant Ikea sack full of wardrobe to have pictures of just me taken. Sometimes family forgets that you want to be a person out in the world. And they're used to you being the one to help them dress and cut their pancakes. And husbands are too, especially after an insanely long work week (great timing!). So dressing up, separating from my daily stuff and getting out with a safe, generous friend to smile solo for the camera is not all that easy. I actually cried a little with Tim when I left the house. It can be so scary to put yourself out there, to chase your dreams, to take a risk, to say, "Here I am World, are you interested?" You wrestle with the demons of "Am I Enough?"  or a creative's favorite, "Am I Unique?" 

I think in putting yourself out there, you're taking your self-concept, your passions, your talent and bouncing it off the feedback of the world. Rather than staying in the cocoon you can create in your mind of self-affirmation (or is sometimes the case, self-criticism), you're saying to everyone around you, "Am I right in thinking I have something to offer?" "Do you want what I have to give?" I think it can even come to that very base place that asks, "Am I loved?" "Do I Matter?" "Is my life worth something?" Whew, that's heavy shit.

So, I wanted to say, PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. It's scary shit. But isn't everything that's meaningful? Isn't that part of it? Can the work that comes from fear be actually all the more vibrant? I think it's possible. Sometimes work born out of fear is awkward and people can tell you're afraid. But keep doing it and you'll warm up. I used to be really awkward when I started my business. You hear "No" a lot when you're awkward and you're trying to figure out what you're doing and you're creating something from nothing. But the more you do it, the more you own it. So if there's something you're doing that is new and it's awkward as hell but it matters to you, keep your vision, pick up the phone or hop online and keep putting yourself out there. Taking the pictures on Saturday, I eventually warmed up. Hell, I was practically Wonder Woman-ing it out there in the wildflowers with my poses by the end. It'll be sure to make you laugh and more importantly, I hope you see that whatever you need to Wonder Woman right now, just stand up tall and stick those arms out, friends. It'll be weird and you'll feel silly, But eventually, you'll own it. And if you won't, who will?